he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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