I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
