if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
