Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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