Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
