What did we do last night that was yellow?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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