I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my being single is dangerous.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
