If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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