i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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