we're blogging at a bar
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
