...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
