so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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