im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
