They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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