it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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