Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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