When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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