just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
