I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
