I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
