The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
