This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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