I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
