Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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