I am spending my child support on dildos
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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