you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
