This girl is more easily done than said...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
