I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
