i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
