How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
