I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
