my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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