oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
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Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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