Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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