I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
