dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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