I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
