the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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