just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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