So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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