I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
