My brain says no but my pants say off.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
50% drunk capacity currently
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
