I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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