How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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