i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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