i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
