His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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