Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Randomize
