so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
