my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
