tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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