sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
