I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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