Already got asked if we're dating
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
