Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
