My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
